i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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