i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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