I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
