well I can't set my house on fire every night
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
