oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
