ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
