Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize