Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
