her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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