i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
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