you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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