Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
