I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I want to fling myself into the sun
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
