Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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