I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Did we literally take a cab across the street
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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