I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
