my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We are all done wearing pants today
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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