when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
