Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
