Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize