so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
