how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
