Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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