Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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