Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
