oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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