So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
