If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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