if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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