Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
