I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
