I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Come back. Shots need mouths.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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