I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
