weddingsv make me drug and hornr
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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