Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
