come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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