I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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