You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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