We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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