My nipple is on Facebook.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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