Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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