1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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