I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
