Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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