I think I won the penis lottery.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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