This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
