When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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