So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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