Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
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