I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
