Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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