Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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