This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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