So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Did you pee in the oven last night??
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
