I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i think i have herpe
just one?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
