I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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