If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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