note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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