I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just want to make out with him forever
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
