I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
