I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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