my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm always down for nudity.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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