My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just want to make out with him forever
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
