sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
