If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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