I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
